Satire

On Friday, the ECB (Elite Culture Bacteria) Committee voted unanimously to remove Greek yogurt from the shelves of every store and EUpermarket on the continent, citing “Cultural differences” with the rest of the European community.  Since then, protests have broken out, with the battle lines drawn between probiotic and antibiotic factions, and with the IMF (Inverted Fruit Makers) lobbying hard on behalf of the new Greek imperatives.

An unnamed ECB spokesperson asked, “Why do they have to go and change their Grecian formula now? We were happy with their traditional fruit-on-the-bottom varieties - it just seemed to blend in with everyone else’s culture – but then they turned everything upside down.  The nations of the EU feel we should keep fruit on the bottom, where it belongs - you know - out of sight. When the Greeks started putting fruit on the top, it was like “In your face,” and now we have protestors showing up in Draghi.”

Whereas Greece has always been famous for their “Live active cultures,” the rest of the EU is a little more conservative (just say EU out loud to sum up their reaction to this latest Greek drama).  Newly elected and flamboyant Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis took to the airwaves earlier today stating, “They are intolerant of our lactose, insisting on a plain vanilla approach, and are basically telling us to 'Get the fruit out of here,' and we’re telling them 'No whey!' as that would make our domestic product gross!”

What Should a Grecian Earn?

The Achilles heel of Greece has always been their debt to capital ratio, and if their 35% unemployment didn’t already have them on a slippery slope, then the dropping price of oil definitely has them over a barrel.  Last week, German Chancellor Angela Merkel – after a franc talk with the Swiss – extended an olive branch to meet with the newly elected leadership stating, “Greece needs to take draconian measures to get their bloated balance sheets Slim Fast, so we propose putting them on a EuroZone Diet – a Spartan combination of the Mediterranean, Subterranean, and South Beach programs,” and noting that Britain had already lost a few pounds with this approach.  In response, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras retaliated, “It’s Merkel that needs a haircut,” before stating he prefers his world leaders like his oil – “Light, sweet, and crude” - and suggesting that Merkel possesses none of the attributes of this troika.

Greek Bailout: Hit or Myth?  

The Greek yogurt boycott has already strained relationships, as Athens continues to reject the Juncker food coming out of Germany, and many now believe that the crumbling European Union could soon go the way of both the Soviet Union and America’s once-powerful Farmer’s Union (EIEIO). To counter this narrative and as a gesture of solidarity, Berlin just announced the launch of a new unified brand called “ECB-TCB Yogurt,” but early food (and financial) critics are calling it “junk-rated” and several nations have already said they will not accept it as collateral for cheap central bank cash.

“The tragedy is that the Greek people don’t get credit for the Herculean effort they’re putting forth,” noted a popular historian who goes by the name of Homer, but an impatient Greece Parliament said that relying on organic growth to move from austerity to prosperity is just too slow (while top Greek officials secretly believe that the ECB President is purposely Draghing his feet on the promised London Bridge loans).  If needed, the US-backed FOMC (Financing Only Margin Calls) said they are prepared to get involved to help reach across the grocery aisles, and could act without the moral haphazard of the EU nations involved, should ongoing negotiations continue to prove fruitless.